


Kübler-Ross

by angrybirdcr



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Five Stages of Grief, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:41:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24657751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrybirdcr/pseuds/angrybirdcr
Summary: “We are sorry but she didn’t make it...” The words he was never ready to hear. Nothing ever prepared him to stand in front of her casket. Now he must learn the way through it all.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	Kübler-Ross

**Author's Note:**

> This can be considered as a second part of my one-shot “The Shape Of Guilt”, written for Tumblr @sagechanoafterdark writing challenge. But it can also be read as an standalone. 
> 
> **DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any rights on any MARVEL characters, this is for entertainment purposes only. I only hold the rights to my own original characters (OFC). Pictures are taken from the internet and are only for reference, I don’t hold any rights on them either and credits go to owner.**
> 
> ** Please DO NOT post any of my works on any other platform or site without my express written consent. Feel free to like, comment and/or reblog. Thanks You!**

–*—*–  
The beeping sound turned into a flat line, he didn’t have time to react as he quickly let go of her hand as he watched the doctors and nurses rushing in.

“Sorry sir but you must go out and let us do our job” One of the nurses rushedely said pushing him out the door. He was pacing on the waiting room, a cold shiver running down his spine. She was pale, she was having a hard time breathing, she looked ready to go. He couldn’t bare that thought. He had just found her not that long ago, they barely had any time together, he couldn’t show her how much it meant to him to finally have her on his life. A sharp pain tugged his heart, he was nervous, he was scared.

“What if I lose her? What if she doesn’t make it through?” Bucky said through a tear stained face

“Hey, don’t think like that buddy. The doctors are doing the best they can right now” Steve tried to console him, but every word that came out of him no matter the comforting intention, he could only hear a buzzing sound, just meaningless words getting through one ear and coming out through the other. He felt bad, these were his best friends that were trying to do their best to support him but he just couldn’t stand it any more. It was suffocating, he was struggling to breath in

“Take a breath pal, we don’t want you to faint on us” Tony said to him, grabbing him by the arms trying to make him focus on his eyes “Watch me… just do as I do, I know it’s hard but you’re having a panic attack right now. Believe I know what I’m talking about, been there before.” He said showing him how to breath in and out, patiently walking him out through it “That’s it, keep going...there you go”

“Thanks”

“No need to pal. Now, please do us a favor and sit down. Pep is bringing us some coffee while we get some news. She’s under the best hands she could possibly be, ok. Now we just have to wait” Tony said sitting down next to him as Steve continued to pat him on the back. Was it minutes? hours? He didn’t know how long it had been, the pass of time felt like an endless buckle that he couldn’t escape. The moment his eyes finally spotted the approaching doctor’s grim face, he already knew the answer that he was waiting for. His knees wobbled on him, his words echoed inside his head like a very distant echo

“We are sorry but she didn’t make it...” 

Nothing ever prepared him to heard those words. They had barely had any time together, it wasn’t fair for her, it wasn’t fair for him. She didn’t deserve to die the way she did, they deserved more time together

He felt limp…

The world went dark. His entire world came crashing down on him, he was numb.

“Sorry pal” Tony’s voice cracked at the words

“It’s ok, I’m ok” His face and voice completely emotionless. Handshakes and hugs, he wasn’t ready for those. He could no longer stay there. “I SAID THAT I’M OK!” He yelled at them, his friends. They understood, their tear strained faces told him they were feeling the loss too. But he wasn’t ready, this was NOT happening. 

First stage, Denial  
–*—*–  
He was not as strong as the world believed him to be. His friends never let his side but he needed space. He hated it. He drank glass after glass, bottle after bottle, but it didn’t help at all, he couldn’t even get drunk after all. It was as if life was finally punishing him for the bloodshed that he was part of, by taking one of the things that he loved the most on his life. And she made him watch her taking her away from him. 

She was gone and the world could be damned. Anger flowed through him like never before. Nothing and nobody mattered anymore and unlucky would be who dared to cross paths with him. The pain was an unbearable rising inferno and regret and guilt fastly spreading through his veins like deadly poison. As the unluckiest man on the face of the earth, he just happens to come across a jerk trying to harass the female bartender

“She said no” His deep voice resonated above the noisy place

“None of your business pal” The guy spat

“One, no means no. Two, im NOT your pal” He says standing up, at least a feet taller than the man, yet he was not intimidated by him, or at least hid it very well

“I said, fuck off dude!” The whiny man dared to put his hands on Bucky’s chest, not even moving him a single inch. 

“Do you really want to do this?” Bucky calmly said

“Let’s go outside!” He puffed out his chest, making Bucky let out a dark chuckle

What happened after that, that man would never forget. The moment his fist collide with him, the disgusting sound of bones breaking was heard. The habitual harasser and drunkard had it coming a long time ago, just nobody dared to put him on his place, that was until Bucky of course. Soon another hit followed, and another one, and another one…he was the enemy, he was the cause of his pain, he was the target of his pent up frustration and bottled up guilt, crimson red soon covered the unmoving man. The attack watched by many, stopped by none. A nagging voice at the back of his mind tried to breach his walls

“Stop, it Buck” 

His fury was only held back by the strong familiar hands and arms of his fellow super soldier. The ooing and shock from the spectators soon dispersed the second America’s hero came into the picture.

“I said THAT’S ENOUGH BUCKY!” This time around the voice grew firmer and louder as he was finally pulled away from his victim. 

“Steve”

“It’s time to go home, buddy” He said softly patting his back in a comforting pattern

“She’s gone!” He yelled with a cracked voice, forcibly moving away from Steve, tears mixing with sweat and the few drops of rain falling on them 

“I know, but she wouldn’t want to see you on this state… hitting strangers in the middle of the street, no matter if they deserved it or not” Something about Steve’s words mentioning HER brought him back to reality

“What have I done?” His eyes wide in shock looking at the motionless man lying on a pool of his own blood.

“No, as much as he deserved it, you didn’t kill him. He’s alive and help it’s on his way” He couldn’t utter a single word “Come on… Let’s go” He brusquely ruffled his hair, and angrily kicking the trash can next to him, he walked away

Second stage, Anger  
–*—*–  
After that night, he didn’t go out anymore, yet he found solace at the confines of his room. Lights off, windows closed, the AC on, empty bottles lying down everywhere, a few empty boxes of pizza here and there… he created his own dark hole at the comfort of four walls. Tony looked at the scene in front of him, he might have hated the man when he found about the truth behind the death of his parents, but even him knew when he retrieve and he hated resentment on his life. He had try his best to become close to the soldier and somewhere along the way they found common ground. Now he owed it to the man in shambles to try to get him out of there

“Hey…” He tries to test the waters first, getting a death glare sent his way from a clearly annoyed, unshaved and obviously not showered Bucky “Easy there” He puts his hands up in sign of peace “I’m not here to ask the same ol’ stupid question “Are you ok?” because obviously you’re not. No offense pal but look like crap… and you smell as such as well.” Bucky simply turns his sight away taken the last of his beer on hand in one gulp “When was the last time that you showered? or eat? like to actually eat a nutritious meal, you know the typical balanced dietician-sent one?” He remained still at his door with his arms crossed

He growls

“What are you doing here exactly?” 

“For one, I cannot let you to render this room unusable seeming that this is still part of the building, and last time I checked I own it”

“Send me the check!” He bitterly bites back

“Buddy, I would except that your paycheck comes from my pocket as well”. 

“Then, I’ll move out so you can stop bitchin me up about it” He says standing up to grab another bottle from the table, yes, he no longer cared if they weren’t cool enough to drink ‘em. Tony steps up closer, daring to remove the bottle from his hands, making Bucky to get a strong grip on his wrist, he winced

“I know that you’re aware of my advanced nanotechnology and Wakanda made your arm but I’m not ready to lose my hand yet, so could you please let it go for now?” He whines, Bucky reluctantly lets go annoyed, begrudgingly but willingly accepting the water bottle Tony offers him from the fridge.

“Thanks…And to answer your question before, I have a very scary somebody on me that forced me to check out on you and if I didn’t then she vowed to cut my head off” He chuckles

“Tell Pepper that I’ll help her up” He darkly smirks dangerously looking at amused Tony, who just smiles impossibly wider

“I’ll pass the message along to the sender. Now that we’re clear, for once you’re not moving out from here, we’re not letting you go. Secondly, we just want to help you. We get it pal, we truly do but you can’t let it draw you back to where you were at the beginning. Not after everything that you went through to get better” Bucky crashes the bottle on his hand until his knuckles go white, then angrily throws it away. He sighs and takes a seat on the couch. Tony warily deciding to seat next to him

“I know, it’s not your fault. If only I had reached her sooner maybe…” His voice slightly cracking “...maybe I could have been able to get her the help that she needed. If only had I known… But I was too late” He sets his head on his arms, resting them on his legs

“It was not your fault either. You cannot blame yourself for something that was out of your control. You couldn’t have known, none of us did and we had access to the best technology on earth. It just happened” He softly places a comforting hand on his shoulder “You have the right to grieve for her, to cry, to kick and scream but you too must keep going, for her and for yourself”

“I don’t know how to move on without her”

“None of us do, nobody is ever truly ready to deal with this but we have to do it, to honor their memory” Tony said with a visible grief stricken face himself. “Let’s take one step at the time. I’m gonna leave now and I’m gonna send someone to clean up this mess, probably gonna need to buy some new bed sheets too… while you my friend are going to get inside that bathroom and take a so much needed very long and thorough shower” He says mockingly scrunching up his nose at him, he chuckled

Third stage, Bargaining  
–*—*–

“How’s he doing?” Tony was immediately inquired about the outcome of their conversation

“He’s not taking it well at all. I’m afraid it’s going to take him a while” He said

“You know… He hasn’t let me see him since you know...”

“I’m sorry. Give him time, I’m sure he’s not willingly pushing you away. Her death just… He took it hard” He sighed at the state of his friend, wishing he would soon stop shutting everyone off that even had the audacity to greet him. 

“How is it that you came out alive? Last I tried to talk to him he almost chopped my jewels off, and that’s coming from him, his childhood friend! ” A somewhat miffed Steve said

“Please tell me that you at least got something out of it!” 

“Wow, thank you so much for your huge faith in me Natasha” She threw a smug smirk his way “And yes, at least I got him to take a shower and let the maid to clean up his mess”

“That’s progress” Clint interjected “Coming out alive I mean...”

“You bastard!”

Their reverie was shortly lived however. He did take a shower. He did allow cleaning to take place on his room. He did stop drinking, not that it make much difference. But he was lost. The spark of his eyes gone. His every action set in automatic motion. He ate to appease their bugginess, but all pleasure of eating no longer existed. He never smiled. He allowed others to get close to him, he tried to mingle again but their voices sounded like muffled noises only. And of course that even dead she managed to make him be involved somehow. The list of arrangements she left behind, was not short at all. And he had to make sure he checked everything that was on the list. Even when he had to put straight face in front of everyone, not that they forced him to, yet he silently cried at night until he had no more tears left. Everything seemed grey to him...

Four Stage, Depression  
–*—*–  
The grey skies matched their sours mood that day, they all felt the loss of their friend, the strings of their hearts being pulled to the limit. The Avengers, the most powerful heroes’ on earth could not defeat death itself, she was just abruptly snatched away from them but mostly from HIM. He was after all that took the hit the worse. His heart was being torn apart like an arrow being painfully and slowly pulled out from his chest. He wasn’t looking for her, yet he found her. She fixed him, she had once said. She was the missing piece he needed to recover from a long life of suffering and pain. But she couldn’t be saved.

He didn’t hear the words said by the speaker, he had no mind or voice to utter a vowel. His heart bled for her absence. His tears were no more and the weight of grief overwhelmed him to the core.

A rose…

Then two…

Then three…

And soon she was covered in a red field of love and sweet fragrant farewells. As they lowered her casket into the ground a piece of him was buried with her. For every inch of dirt being poured over, reality dawned on him.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

And finally Acceptance. 

He know accepted the fact that she was gone and their time was sadly and unfortunately cut short. It wasn’t his fault that he fell of the train helping Steve neither was it his choice to be taken by HYDRA, being turned into a murder machine who cryo slept for decades only to be woken at their mercy.They were the ones guilty of taking him away from her, because of them he lost himself for years and scarred his soul in unfixable ways. Because of them he was away killing people instead of being there for her. His absence did not cause her to be gone, but they lost time that they could have had together. Because of that when he finally found her again it was too late. She had fought until the end but even if he had reached her out before not even Wakanda magic could have had save her. It was her time, she at least lived a good life without him.

No ‘I’m sorrys for your loss’ were exchanged at the burial, they all shared the pain of having had the pleasure to met her and to be part of her life for as long as they were able to.And no words could ever express the emotions behind it. They gave him space and respectfully retired, leaving him by himself. He couldn’t be more thankful for their support. He now stood in front of her grave.

Rebbecca Barnes  
Loving daughter, sister and friend

He let the tears freely fall down. He found her, he loved her, he lost her. But he wasn’t alone. He had pushed her away in the midst of his never ending pain but she never left his side. She took a bullet, she bled on his arms, even on the grimiest moments her concern was always him. She was the one that send Steve to get him to the Bar, she was the one that made sure that even on his darkest grieving hours that he at least got a piece of food down his throat, she was the one who endlessly bugged Tony to put some sense into him, she was the one who held his hand and pulled him out of bed. And now he would spend every last minute of his life trying to make out for the lost time, because never again he was going to spend another second of his life away from her. At that moment he felt peace, her soft hands tightly intertwined with his strong callous ones. Her sweet face adorned with adoring tearful eyes deeply ingrained on his mind. Her lips calling out for him to claim her, so he did. He pulled her impossibly close to himself, his arms circling around her waist and he kissed her.

He kissed her with all his might, her hands easily finding their way into his hair as he poured all his love for her into the breathtaking kiss. He didn’t let her go, not even when the need of air tugged their lungs, he only left her now plumped lips to tell her the words that she was missing

“I love you, Olivia Martínez” She was speechless and he could see the tears pricking her eyes. He rested his forehead on hers “I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you that day” He still remember the moment relief found its way into his constricted airways as the doctor´s words bared the positive outcome of her surgery. She would forever bare the battle scar on her body but it only made her stronger and that more enticing to him, as it meant that she survived, that he got to confess his love for her and that she was now his.

“I love you too James Buchanan Barnes” They happily remained into each others embrace as they let the tears stream down from their faces, their repressed grief and pain, the loss of the one that they never thought could ever find and love as much as they did, their never ending gratitude for the second chance given to them and the happiness of love

**Author's Note:**

> You can choose your ending! Did you prefer The Shape Of Guilt open ending? Or did you like this one better? Let me know in the comments! Thank You for reading! Be kind and Be safe!


End file.
